Making friends Archives - Behavior Analysis Center for Autism

Date Revised: August 29, 2023

Parents and caregivers of children with autism often worry about them making friends.

This is understandable since social deficits are a key part of autism. Children on the spectrum often need support to learn social norms. They may also have difficulty with their behavior when they are with friends. They might need help managing their actions and learning coping skills.

As a new school year begins, how can you help your child make friends? What role should you play in your child’s friendships, and what steps can you take now? Here are five tips.

Step 1: Seek behavioral or therapeutic support.

If your child acts out, especially if it puts them in danger, focus on that first. Find an experienced applied behavior analysis (ABA) provider. A board certified behavior analyst (BCBA) will help your child learn appropriate behaviors. If your child has difficulty communicating, a BCBA can help them learn language and communication skills. This will give your child a foundation for the social skills they need to start making friends.

Step 2: Create social opportunities with siblings or close family members.

Most likely, your child spends a lot of time with brothers, sisters, and close relatives. For this reason, family time can provide opportunities for frequent and focused learning. You can help your child practice these skills. Try activities that involve taking turns and asking to borrow things. Activities can also involve pretending and playing alongside others. They’re all opportunities to build social skills.

For instance, set up a scenario for your child to work on taking turns with family members. Taking turns is important for developing social skills like listening and resolving conflicts. Children learn social rules, like taking turns and sharing, through simple play.

Step 3: Join a support group in your area.

Social media makes it easier than ever to share resources and events. You can also set up play dates for your children. Families can lean on each other for support, share information, and lend a listening ear.

If you’re not part of any online groups, think about joining one. You can connect with other families with children who have autism or special needs. Then, you can take part in similar activities. Often, children with autism join in activities like Special Olympics, sensory Sundays, or local social events.

Families with children in the autism spectrum disorder (ASD) community often become close friends. If possible, find families whose children go to your child’s school. This can help your child feel more comfortable at school, especially in the first days and weeks.

Step 4: Speak with your child’s teacher and IEP team about social goals.

To include social goals in your child’s Individualized Educational Plan (IEP), take steps now since you can’t go to school with them. Talk to your child’s IEP team about their social skills progress and difficulties. You can also invite their BCBA to IEP meetings. When everyone agrees on what’s important, it sets your child up for success.

Step 5: Plan after-school and weekend activities with other families.

Your ABA provider may also offer after-school social skills groups. Those can give your child a safe and friendly environment in which to socialize. It can also help them practice socializing with peers. Each group has a behavior technician or analyst for personalized support. If your provider offers a social skills group for your child’s age range, consider signing up.

Like your child, you can take part in social events, too, and make friends with fellow parents. School events and parent evenings let you meet and talk with others. Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself and strike up a conversation. Over time, this sort of interaction can lead to friendships for both you and your child.

As you get ready for the upcoming school year, keep in mind that school is about more than just academics. It’s about fostering friendships. Use these tips to set up your child for friendship success.

For more tips on raising children on the autism spectrum, read our blog post, “Help Your Child Build Friendships With Kids With Autism.”

The following is an interview published by Chicago Parent with LEARN Behavioral Chief Clinical Officer Dr. Hanna Rue, Ph.D., BCBA-D.

By: Claire Charlton

Your child likely has the opportunity to build friendships with kids on the autism spectrum. How can you help cultivate these unique relationships?

This back-to-school season, your child is settling into a new routine alongside children of many abilities, and as they are making new friends, now is a great time to encourage them to reach out and build a friendship with a child with autism. Because autism is a spectrum disorder, your child’s classroom, cafeteria, chess club, or ballet class will likely include a child with autism, says Hanna Rue, Ph.D., BCBA-D, Chief Clinical Officer with LEARN Behavioral.

Current statistics show that 1 in 44 children has been identified with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) — for boys, the prevalence is four times higher and numbers vary from state to state, according to data from the CDC. “I’m never surprised when a parent comes to me and says their child has met a peer with typical autism characteristics in the classroom,” says Dr. Rue.

Kids with autism have strengths and challenges just like their neurotypical peers and can bring a lot of value to a friendship. “What I have found is that neurotypical kids are amazed that some kids with autism have the same special interests as they do,” Dr. Rue says. “Maybe they are passionate about zoo animals and can provide all sorts of information that neurotypical kids are impressed by.”

Each child is different and not every child mixes well with groups of peers. A child with autism is often able to look past differences or idiosyncrasies that can put off neurotypical peers, which makes them a good source of friendship for kids who struggle to fit in, Dr. Rue says.

While it may appear that kids with autism prefer to play alone, they really do enjoy companionship and sharing their interests with others. Here, Dr. Rue shares some wisdom about how to help your child build friendships with kids with autism.

How to make it happen

A child with autism may experience sensory sensitivities that neurotypical peers can empathize with. Loud noises, loud music, bright lights, even transitioning between activities can present challenges for some children.

“Sometimes a child with autism has challenges with communication and that can cause distress on either side,” Dr. Rue says. “I always tell folks if they are working with kids to develop friendships to allow for plenty of warm-up time.”

When planning a playdate, take it slow. Show your child’s new friend a quiet room in your home where they can take a break if needed, and recognize that if they take this break, it likely signals that they are overwhelmed, not disinterested. Communicate to your own child that everyone is frightened or overstimulated by something at some point and help them recognize their own fears or needs.

“I have seen some amazing pure human kindness across developmental stages,” says Dr. Rue. “When a child with autism has a meltdown, their friend can just sit and be in close proximity. They recognize independently that their friend is having a hard time. Or they assist with transitions through prompts like ‘follow me, sit at my table for lunch, hold my hand so you don’t get lost.’ Kids are pretty intuitive and can recognize that just being there and showing the way is a huge help.”

Parent encouragement can help blossoming friendships grow. Here’s what parents can do to support their children as they make and sustain friendships with kids with autism.

Talk about diversity early and often

When a parent is aware of their own child’s developmental level, they are better prepared to help them make friendships with anyone — and be inclusive on the playground and in the classroom, Dr. Rue says. This is best achieved by talking about differences on a regular basis.

“It’s important to introduce your child to diversity, especially if you live in an area where there isn’t a lot of diversity,” she says. “Read books, watch videos, and have open conversations about differences. In addition to talking about skin color, you can talk about different ways that kids communicate with each other, including the idiosyncrasies of flapping, body rocking, and squealing because this is a way of expressing joy or frustration.”

Model inclusive friendships

“We always have lots of opportunities to interact with other humans in our communities, from the playgrounds to the grocery stores,” Dr. Rue says. “This is the time to model appropriate interactions and show empathy, and then discuss it with your child.”

For younger kids, Dr. Rue is a big fan of Sesame Street’s inclusion of a character named Julia. “Julia has autism and I love for parents of neurotypical kids to watch Sesame Street with younger children and talk about Julia and how she is different. It’s a great opportunity for a shared moment of watching and talking about differences and acceptance.”

Offer a sympathetic ear to the child’s parents

Parenting a child with autism is stressful. “Research suggests that they experience more stress on a daily basis than parents of a child with a terminal illness. That’s a lot. Any small gesture, like saying hi or offering coffee or even just sitting and listening. Being an ear is very helpful,” Dr. Rue says.

Finally, have patience. Playdates can be easy but allow time for your child and their new friend to experience similar interests over a few visits. Help the other parent know that you understand and won’t give up after one meltdown or challenge.

“It’s so important to recognize that individuals with autism are all around us, doing great things,” says Dr. Rue. “We need to embrace that and learn about how to be supportive.”

For more school-related content, check out our blogs, “Five Steps to Help Your Child with Autism Make Friends” and “Back to School: Homework Tips.”

Making friends